Category: Comedy


Rain, rain, rain!

I dreamt last night that it had stopped raining.

First time I’ve had a dry dream!

Cognitive Hazard, originally uploaded by Arenamontanus.

The John Humphrys interview with God on The Now Show.

The Now Show: 24 Nov 06 is available as a podcast or you can hear it online at the now show

Lifted from nogod.tribe.net/thread/613229d2-a4dd-4822-965b-2ab351f88d38#edeac85d-370c-49b0-a6a8-b0fae747d2b4 this story has ben doing the rounds since the late 90s.

 

Dantes Inferno 1024

The following is an actual question given at a Texas A&M Chemistry Midterm: Is Hell exothermic (giving off energy/heat) or endothermic (absorbing energy/heat)? Support your answer with proof.

Most of the students wrote using Boyles Law: gas cools when it expands and heats up when compressed. One student, however, wrote the following:

“First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing over time. So, we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to hell it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.

“As far as how many souls are entering Hell, let’s look at the different religions. Some state that if you are not a member of their religion then you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one religion and since people do not belong to more than one religion we can safely project that all people and all souls go to Hell. And, with the birth and death rates as they are we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.

“Now, if we will look at the rate of change with respect to volume in Hell. Because Boyle’s Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to remain the same the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are added. This gives only two possibilities:

“If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate than which souls are entering then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

“Of course, if hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls then the temperature will drop until all Hell freezes over.

“So which is it?

“If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms. Sheryl Atkinson during my freshman year that it would ‘be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,’ and taking into account that I have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then I am sure that Hell must be exothermic.”

This student received the only ‘A’.

Addiction

You Know You’re Addicted to Internet When…
You kiss you girlfriend’s home page.

Your bookmarks list takes 15 minutes to scroll from top to bottom.

Your eyeglasses have a web site burned into them.

You find yourself brainstorming for new subjects to Google.

You refuse to go to a vacation spot with no electricity and no phone lines.

You finally do take that vacation, but only after buying a cellular modem and a laptop.

You spend half of the plane trip with your laptop on your lap…. and your kid in the overhead compartment.

Your dreams are in HTML.

You find yourself typing “com” after every period when using a word processor.

You turn your computer off and get this awful epmty feeling, like you just pulled the plug of your loved one.

You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.

You start introducing yourself as “Jim at I-I-Net dot net dot au”

Your heart races faster and beats irredgularly each time you see a new WWW site address printed on the TV, even though you’ve never had heart problems before.

You step out of the room and realize that your roomates have moved and you don’t have any idea when it happened.

You turn up the volume read loud when leaving the room so you can hear if anyone IM’s you.

You wife drapes a blond wig over the monitor to remind you of what she looks like.

All of your friends have an @ in their names.

Looking at a pageful of someone else’s links, you notice that you’ve been to all of them.

Your dog has its own webpage.

You believe nothing looks sexier than a man in boxer shorts illuminated by a 17″ LCD Flat-Panel Monitor.

You check your mail. It says “no new messages.” So you check it again.

You code your homework in HTML and give your intsructor the URL.

You don’t know what sex your three of your closeset friends are, because they have nuetral screennames and you never bothered to ask.

You name your children Google, Friendster and Blogger

You miss more than five meals a week downloading the latest MP3’s off Kazaa Lite.

You start looking for hot HTML addresses in public restrooms.

You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop and check your e-mail on the way back.

Your virtual girlfriend finds a new sweetheart with a larger bandwidth.

You buy a Captain Kirk Chair with a built in keyboard and mouse.

Your wife makes a new rule: “The computer can not come to bed”

The last hottie you picked up was only a jpeg.

You put a pillow case over your laptop so your lover doesn’t see it while youre pretending to catch your breath.

You ask a plumber how much it would cost you to replace the chair in front of your computer with a toilet.

You forget what year it is.

You start tilting your head sideways to smile.

You ask a doctor to implant a terrabyte in your brain.

Your sweetie says communication is important in a marriage…so you buy another computer and network them together so that you can IM each other anytime.

As your car crashes through the guardrail on a mountain road, your first instinct is to search for the “back” button.

All of your friends have an @ in their names.

You start using smileys in your snail mail

You bring a bag lunch to the computer.

You have withdrawals if you are away from the computer for more than a few hours.

You take a speed reading course to keep up with the scrolling.

You type faster than you think.

You double click your TV remote.

You can now type over 70 WPM.

You check your e-mail and forget you have real mail.

You go into withdrawals during dinner.

You rank your friends by the amount of bandwith they have.

You have “Googled” all your friends to try to find out anything interesteing that they are not telling you and you can use against them later.

You message someone via IM when they are less than 20 feet away.

The sound of the keys clicking turns you on.

You have more browsers than friends in the real world.

You actually say I-M-O and A-T-M to real friends rather than ‘in my opinion’ and ‘at the moment’. And they give you strange looks.

You run four chat programs all at once… Yahoo Messenger, ICQ, AIM and MSN

You sign off and your screen says you were on for 3 days and 45 minutes.

You purchase a vanity car license plate with your screen name on it.

You say “he he he he” or “heh heh heh” instead of laughing.

You talk on the phone with the same person you are sending an instant message to.

You get up in the morning and go online before getting your coffee.

Your teacher or boss recommends a drug test for the blood shot eyes.

The letters have come off your keyboard from excessive use.

You order pizza online – because you can’t be bothered to call.

You say “SCROLL UP” when someone asks what it was you said.

You look at an annoying person off line and wish that you had your ignore button handy.

You enter a room and get greeted by 25 people with {{{hugs}}} and ** kisses**.

You’re on the phone and say BRB.

The last movie you’ve seen was on your Quicktime player.

You actually get these jokes and pass them on to other friends who are addicted to the internet.

Get Your Own Addicted Meme HereMore cool things for your blog at Blogthings

I Think the Nurses Are Stealing my Clothessmith-linda

A tribute to the late Linda Smith on Radio 4, Repeated: Saturday 11 November 2006 12:30-13:00 (Radio 4 FM). The writer and broadcaster was a staple of the Edinburgh Fringe Festival and BBC Radio, whose listeners voted her “Wittiest Person” in 2002.

After appearing on Radio 4’s Devout Sceptics to discuss her beliefs she was asked by the British Humanist Association to become president of the society, a role she occupied with great commitment from 2004 until her death.

Quote, unquote. BBC Radio4

Heard on this week’s programme. Listen on line at radio4 quoteunquote

AlcestisHerculesLeightonEuripides?

You donna getta no more!

The Afternoon Play on BBC Radio 4, Wednesday.blu teddy

My Blue Heaven

By Laurence Marks and Maurice Gran.

Graham starts to worry when he realizes he is being interviewed for a job by his imaginary friend from childhood, who has now grown up.

Graham …… Chris Langham
Griselda …… Rebecca Front
Dottie …… Phillida Law
Laz …… Toby Longworth
Violet …… Polly Frame
Dr Bloom …… Jo Brookes

Directors Laurence Marks and Maurice Gran.

BBC radio plays can be found at www.bbc.co.uk/radio4/arts/afternoon_play.shtml and are available for a week.

For az!

f_funzyme, originally uploaded by ricksoloway.

Click on the link to see more of rick’s images.